September 2022 - Time do change everything

 It is funny that I read the letter I wrote for the future me in the same year. But, somehow I feel proud of myself. Today's writing comes with mixed feelings, I guess I should start with the happy part.

I accepted by his family :) I am glad that it is as what I dream for. His parents and his siblings.. everyone is lovely. I went to see them at Ipoh, it is unplanned visit actually. I pray maghrib together with his family. I ate dinner and have conversation with his parents. I am lucky, to know and meet them. 

Proudly, I am not nervous. I am just afraid that I dont have anything to share (it is not that I dont have story). I am afraid the situation will be awkward. BUT ! Guess what, everything went smooth. 

Meeting his family do change my life. I want to be the best for him for his family. I want to be the best so I deserve to be in that family. <3

I cried that one night, I dont remember which night but just few days before today. I lied to myself. Again..

I still cant find it. Hikmah disebalik ketentuan yang Allah dah takdirkan. Hikmah perjalanan belajar aku ke Qs. Adakah sebab aku tak redha? Am I tak redha? I dont know... I feel nothing. Nak cakap tak redha, I already did it, I went 2 years through it. It is up and down process.. I tried to face it and I can, that is Redha right?

But I still cant find it. Maybe bukan sekarang, but when.

How much longer I need to lie to myself. Pretending this is the journey that I want. Pretending that Sr is my dream. Pretending that this is the end. 

I hope, and I really hope, you find it one day. 

- 12/9/2022 -

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